i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
