I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I deserve this hangover.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
