I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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