It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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