Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
