seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
