I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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