Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
