Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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