Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
