I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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