So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
