The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
