I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
