I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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