Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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