they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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