feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
