My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
