someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
