Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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