There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
