my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
