I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
