he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
