is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
