You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
