seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
