Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
