The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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