a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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