Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I seem to have left my pride at pride
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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