nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
