He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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