Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
