did you get engaged???
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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