I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
