now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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