Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
