This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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