there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
