I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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