idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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