Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
