Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
