Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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