Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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