She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
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Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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