dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
