Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Is Oprah even human
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
