I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
