im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the condom got lost in my hair
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
