the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My liver just had a heart attack.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
