I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
