i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
