did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
