He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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