He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
