I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
